Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Hacks of Gorm, Part XVI: False Pronoun-ciation!

Gorm stretched his mighty arms as Gottschalk mulled over what course of action to take next. He had heard that Salpinx was a great leader, that he would ‘Make Caelum Mount Great Again’, and yet seemed nearly as corrupted as the cultists themselves. That the ‘patriotic’ goblin levies he had been tasked to command were staring at him didn’t help matters.

“We could kill them?” offered Gorm as he pointed his axe. The goblins only stared back blankly, seeming not to understand a word he said. 

Gottschalk had to chuckle: Equalitarians would claim that ‘Diverse Creatures Strengthen Us All’, but of course, that was nonsense. Unity created strength; Diversity created weakness. Yes, this land hadn’t been destroyed by goblins yet, but it seemed to have been infected with the same fell philosophy that had destroyed his own.

The goblins went back to chattering to themselves in their heinous tongue. They adjusted their ill-fitting hoplite armor, strange upon their grey hides, and bickered over who would get to hold the Caelum Mount flag they had. A number of Caelumian women walked by then and the goblins hooted at them. It seemed goblins were willing to communicate if they wanted to enough. The women frowned, made the sign of the evil eye, and left.

Soon a group of cultists walked by too, roughly ten in number. Their blue-dyed hair showed strangely in the cold afternoon sun and one looked to even have a strange serpent about his neck. Gorm smiled widely, glad that he would finally get to kill something. The cultists didn’t notice him at first and approached Gottschalk.

“Oh, look at the stupid human, Mono-Gendered Fool!” said a female cultist with a ring in her nose. “Are you hoping to Oppress Your Gender Upon Us?” She pointed at his pants and pulled out a knife.

Gottschalk wasn’t sure how best to reply: what the woman said made little sense, even for a cultist. The serpent hissed something from another’s neck, but the cultists only shrieked and raced down the road when they saw Gorm come at them with his axe brandished. Gottschalk grudgingly signaled to the goblins to follow.

Gorm quickly overtook one of them, though whether it was male or female, none could say. The chubby, rainbow-clad person struggled and squirmed under his foot as he steadied his axe for the killing blow.

“Hold still... um...” began Gorm.

“Well, what is it?” demanded the cultist.

Gorm didn’t answer at first, trying instead to find the best angle for his swing.


“Um... man-woman?”

The cultist grew outraged.

“Bearded lady... he-she?”

“By the Greater Liberators of Chaosada, You Will Not Oppress Me with your False Pronoun-ciation! I am Zie!”

Gorm, being a barbarian, soon had enough of the cultist’s grammatical rant and made ready to strike.

Gottschalk and the goblins arrived then. He gazed down the road to see that the rest of the cultists had fled towards a Schoolhouse. He remembered that snake-thing that was with them and grew concerned. The goblins gawked at the cultist still on the ground and jeered.

“Don’t Jest, Goblin-Friends! The Humans Will Oppress-!”

Gorm swung down before the cultist could finish, but his- her body somehow flowed out of the way. It then quickly formed into something more like a woman.

“I am Gender Fluid, barbarian! Your Body-Shaming-Oppression Has Failed You Again! I am Free To Be Me!”

Gorm growled at the cultist’s insanity, but was taken aback by the man-woman’s unnatural change. It reminded him of the demonic, shrill, nigh, Wise One Guy that they had encountered days before (in Part VII), though this cultist seemed even more perverse.

Capitalizing on his distraction, the cultist then grinned and kicked him repeatedly in the groin, screaming all the while. “You Shall No Longer Oppress My Gender-less!” Gorm doubled over in pain.

The cultist’s body then flowed into something more manlike and leapt up to escape. Gottschalk was quicker though and cracked him-her on the back. The cultist fell to the ground again, screaming. He was glad to have caught it in time; some man-women were known to be great runners. The goblins laughed and readied their spears, knowing enough to wait for permission before attacking.

Gottschalk felt it was wrong, but also knew he had no other choice. He hated letting goblins kill a human, but it was a cultists nonetheless.

Still, he held them back for now. “Where are your friends going? What is that snake-thing they have?” he demanded.

“Oh, this town will never survive the Boas Constrictor! It will put you and all your Gender Oppression into such a hole!” The cultist turned then and ripped off its bloody clothing, revealing both male and female generative organs on its warped form. “Speaking of which, don’t you wish to partake of all I have to offer?”

The goblins’ eyes grew wide and looks of unclean desire came over their grey faces. They lowered their weapons. Gorm, now arising from his injury, lowered himself again only to become sick at seeing the abomination nude.

“You are free to be you, but what about the rest of us?” said Gottschalk. “Must we live under your oppression now?”

The cultist only laughed. “You Mono-Genders are the only ones who can Oppress; Zie cannot!”

Gottschalk strode up then, pushed the goblins out of the way, and wound back for a final strike at the man-woman’s head. He hoped that would slay the creature, no matter what gender it flowed into next.

Listening to it was even worse than listening to the goblins’ heinous tongue...

Next week: The Hacks of Gorm, Part XVII!

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